This post had been kept under my “To Post” section of my note app for about 3 months now. Finally, there’s this need for me to post this due to what I heard someone say on the radio about a week ago. She said; “the church should be bold enough to accept some of the blame for most of the divorces happening in our society now”.
There are so many things being said about relationship and marriage these days that’s making people delusional. I hear a lot of these in church and ask myself; why don’t we tell people what happens in the real world of relationship?
#1. There’s no one special person prepared for you
I attended a wedding some months back. These two beautiful souls have finally decided to tie the knot and I was there to eat some cake. Then it was time for preaching to the couple. Among other things, the pastor said; “God has prepared one special person for everybody here. Today is the day this couple finally meets the special person God prepared for them.”
Immediately, my mind took me to the fighting couple who lives next door. They recently got divorced. They too had a beautiful wedding like this. I was there to eat some cake too. Probably the pastor said the same thing to them too. If they were specifically chosen for each other by God, how come they didn’t last the mile?
The idea that there’s someone special for each other has made people become discriminatory when it comes to who they decide to be with. They wait for so long for that special person who’s never going to come. People, especially young ladies are finding various reasons to say “he’s not meant for me” than to really work towards achieving a better relationship.
“I sent him a message and he took 30 minutes to reply. I don’t think he’s my soul mate.” “There’s something about him that makes me doubt everything he says. He’s not the chosen one.”
In their minds, what God has prepared for them should be faultless. But this one standing in front of them is so imperfect that even the devil will be shy to admit that he chose him for them.
There is no perfect human being. I am not. You are not. God doesn’t choose for you who you should be married to. There’s NO soul mate out there waiting for ONLY you to have a perfect married life with. People meet by chance and through opportunity. Soulmates are our own picture of how the perfect person should look and behave like. We bought that idea from screen fairytales.
Whoever you get is what you were given. What is left is for you to wake up each day and make it work. A Happy Marriage is a work in progress and never a destination. Accept people are not perfect. Realize the only way to make someone the chosen one is to accept their fallibility and be ready to forgive just as you want to be forgiven. Work!
#2. Marriage isn’t forever
Marriage happens to people in love—usually. True love is forever. Marriage should be forever. A forever journey between two imperfect souls is bound to have twists and turns. Sometimes the twist leads to crookedness. When it’s crooked, it’s easier to crack. When it’s cracked, it’s not uneasier to break. Cracked marriage happens to people, even staunch Christians. Some are able to settle their differences. They return to the happy ways of love
Unfortunately, however hard some people try to settle their differences in marriage, it doesn’t always change the marriage—it rather makes things harder! Human imperfections can lead to a wrong choice of a partner. Later, true colors come up and the foundation of the marriage is shaken.
Forever marriage is not automatic. All marriages can’t last forever—It should but it doesn’t–in the real world. People shouldn’t be made to stay in an abusive marriage just because they exchanged vows sometime ago when love had blighted their sense of judgment.
I do. Tomorrow I might not. For better for worse. We usually say with least expectations of the worse. When the better are few and the worse can kill, people should be made to run to the refuge of divorce.
#3. Being a virgin till marriage doesn’t guarantee blissful marriage
Purity is preached by the church every day as something we, especially women should aspire to be. A woman who sleeps with more than a man before marriage is seen by the church as rotten. We are always reminded to keep it until marriage if we want to have blissful marriage or a fulfilled marriage.
The truth is, a blissful marriage isn’t necessarily a result of purity. I’m not admonishing people to be promiscuous. I’m saying the fact that you had sex or even multiple sex before marriage doesn’t mean you don’t deserve or won’t have a blissful marriage.
People make mistakes. People love blindly sometimes. Some people even lose purity through rape. It doesn’t cut you off from future happiness. It’s only a blip. You can learn. You can grow. You can be forgiven.
Blissful marriage isn’t a reserve for the-vaginal-pure but for the pure in heart and those who make it a point to work for the ultimate joy in marriage.
#4. You can’t model your marriage around anyone else’s.
We are always told to model our marriages around a certain role model either in the church or in the bible. When I was being counseled before marriage, the pastor always used his 35 years marriage as an example for almost every topic that we treated. Psychologically he was conditioning our mind to a marriage like his. In a way, he was trying to tell us; “If you want to be successful in this enterprise, marry like I do.”
In the real world, no two marriage are the same. And there is no one right way to marry. Marriage usually works when the couple finds what works for them. What worked for Abraham and Sarah might not necessarily work for me. The Bible talks about them, Yes! They had a marriage that pleased the Lord, Yes! They didn’t have the opportunity to deal with the same problems of our time.
When my wife catches me flirting with someone on WhatsApp, I can’t go like; “What will Abraham do”? The question is, what will I do to calm her down—to make her understand I’m only trying to be nice and not flirting. Marriage is not one size fit all. Your beautiful instances in marriage won’t necessarily make mine beautiful.
#5. Sex is not a solemn Pilgrimage
I was counseled for marriage by a pastor and his wife. Throughout the counseling, they gave us a model of their married life as an example. Then we got to sex. That was the final topic we treated. I was looking up to it for only one reason—I wanted to judge the sex life of the pastor and his wife. I knew they would advise us to do it like they do just like they’ve told us throughout counseling.
After counseling that evening, on our way home my wife asked with this funny voice; “Is that how they do it?” Then I said; “We rather should have taught them.”
We were sold a version of sex that looked like walking to the altar to take a communion–slow and sanctimonious. If Adam ever treated Eve the same way we were advised to handle sex, then Adam owes Eve an apology. Sex isn’t a life in slow motion. It’s something bigger! It’s something larger than existence.
I’m not going to teach you about sex (obviously, I don’t want you to copy my style). If you are reading this, probably you already know what sex is and what it is not. The bottom-line—sex is not the lack of imagination. Let your imagination be your guide. You’ll win at sex
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